Yes, I'm still on vacation, but my family has pretty much burned out. So I have some down time, and I've been thinking a lot about life and writing. Specifically, how writing has helped me grow as a person. I'm just so grateful for all the lessons this "hobby" has taught me. I want to share a few.
You Are Always You
And none of us are perfect. Through every writing process, I've come to see both my strengths and my weaknesses clearer.
As for flaws, I've never been good at facing rejection (I tend to weep). I've never had a very high self-esteem. I constantly fight self-doubt/self-loathing. I'm a raging perfectionist. Thus, a raging over-acheiver who is never good enough even for herself, let alone other people. Through writing, I have faced all my personal demons and then some. I have felt all my worst nightmares repeatedly and have wondered why I ever got into this gig in the first place.
I wish I could say I've grown tougher skin, but I don't know if that's true. Rejection still makes me ache, still makes me get wildly defensive. I've learned that I will never be the kind of person who can just shrug it off. But that's okay. I do get over it—and at times it even motivates me to improve once I get over the initial shock.
As for strengths, I'm creative, and I know how to work. I may not be perfect by a long shot, but I can work and improve myself constantly. I even like to. I may never be the best writer or person out there, but I will always give it my all. I think my strengths balance out my weaknesses some.
I've come to accept myself, problems and all. Perfect people aren't interesting, right? I know how I'll react to things, and I can prepare and overcome the setbacks quicker than I used to. Then I can get back to work.
People Are Gray
Spending hours and hours writing about fake people has helped me understand that there is so much more gray out there than black and white. Everyone has flaws—everyone has good points. In designing my "heroes," I've had to explore what makes someone do good things. In imagining my "villains," I've spent hours trying to understand why people do horrible things. Conflict comes from those who are in opposition to you—but that doesn't necessarily make those people evil. It just makes them different from you. Villainy is often based more on perspective than actual evil-doing.
This was a huge lesson for me as a person. I used to think people who thought differently from me were wrong, wrong, wrong. I used to think that everyone should do things my way, because, naturally, that was the best way out there.
But then I started writing. As I tried to put myself in other people's heads, I realized that there are so many different ways to handle life situations. And more than that, most of the paths weren't wrong at all—just different. I could accept more easily when people didn't see things like I did. Instead of trying to make people into what I thought they should be, I realized I could accept them just the way they were with no threat to my own way of life.
You Can't Help What Other People Think
I'm a people pleaser. Always have been, always will be. I like seeing people happy. I like when other people are happy with me. I love seeing people gathered together enjoying each other's company. I love doing things that make other people smile. You can probably guess I'm a huge fan of Happily Ever After, too.
Little parts of me die inside when other people are unhappy with me. When I was little, I would cry and cry over the bullies who picked on me. I tried everything I could to prevent the mean girls from laughing at my clothes or religion or hobbies. I tried to stay away from the mean boys who called me ugly and stupid and dorky.
But they always find me. Heck, they still find me. Yes, I'm 26 and I still get bullied. I'm like a Bully Magnet, I swear. It's almost comical how many people have vociferously hated me over my lifetime. One kid, when I asked him why he hated me so much, said, "I hate you because you were born." Another called me a "Horned Mormon Demon who would burn in hell forever." And then there was the "I Hate Natalie" campaign.
I spent a lot of my life trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. I tried to fix myself to meet these people's approval—that never worked. How could I help being born, you know?
It wasn't until I started querying that I understood. As the rejections came in, I began to feel like that bullied little girl I was (and still am). But then I started getting used to it some. I learned that there was just nothing I could do to make people like me.
They either liked me, or they didn't.
Querying, though hard, was an invaluable lesson for this people pleaser. It gave me freedom from my desire to have everyone like me. It's okay if someone doesn't get me. That doesn't devalue me as a person. I don't have to feel bad feelings for them or myself because of their opinion. I can now better cope with the bullies in my life, because I know that I can never make them happy no matter how hard I try. And most importantly:
That's not my problem.
Do-overs ROCK
Could you imagine if we only got the First Draft to make our manuscripts perfect? Yeah, uh, I would fail. Like, fail epically, even.
Editing, though not my favorite, is a miraculous thing! I've made a lot of mistakes in both writing and life, and I feel lucky that I can fix those things, try again, and learn from all those mistakes.
Don't get me wrong—I feel like a complete fool when I have to rewrite the whole back half of my book. I also feel like a total idiot when I unintentionally (or even intentionally) hurt others. But knowing that I can do better next time is what gets me through. At least I CAN change the whole back half of my manuscript. At least I CAN apologize and try to be better next time.
Do-overs. Thank goodness for do-overs.
For none of us are perfect—people or writers. But that's okay. Improvement is always on the horizon if you want it, and if you don't you can find happiness right where you're at.
I think all this learning is the real reason I will never stop writing. I love to learn. I love to learn about myself and other people and the world around me. Writing gives me that, and I will gladly take each lesson, no matter how hard they are to learn.
"Relax, I'm a Ninja is the best book of the year. I'm taking karate now just because it was so awesome." —Zac Efron
"Ninja masks are the hottest new accessory, thanks to Relax, I'm a Ninja. We couldn't put the book down!" —The Jo Bros
"Relax, I'm a Ninja made me wish that country music was just my cover. I'm writing a song about this book." —Taylor Swift
